Sunday, July 9, 2006

I'm not sure what to do just now - I feel quite empty, which I suppose is to be expected. Some days I think I revert back to how I went about things when he was in school, other days I feel the full impact of what has happened. I feel devestated, empty, alone, humiliated, like I want to die.

I sound like someone has died, but that is just it. For 9 years I was blissfully happy. No matter what happened with my family, with school, with work - whatever - I still had him. I had my "rock", I had the one thing in my life that above all else I could absolutely count on. I may sound a tad dramatic, but really - I venture to guess that you would feel the same. Countless times I have heard people say to me that I was so lucky to find the love of my life so early - and so easily. We were truly (although with trepidation of soundy quite corny) soulmates. Some people go through life never finding the one person that they can feel so free, so comfortable, so at ease and happy with - some people are not destined to ever find that - I however, always thought that I was one of the lucky few. Beginning from one month into our relationship, I was 15 - he 16, we knew that we were to be together, we planned our wedding, picked out children's names and the like. Then without warning I was hurled into this, this depth of sadness and betrayal. The best way to describe it is that I feel my very soul is bound to his - even now after all that has happened. I feel that I cannot move on until that connection is broken or disolved. Maybe it is the denial stage, maybe I can't face the truth right now. All that I know is that this is too much to bear. That I am experiencing such heartache and pain that I get through the day in denial and I fear that it will be this way for a time.

I am humiliated to admit this, at times it is all I can do to not break into heart wrenching sobs at work, at the store, alone. I know that I am not in fact alone, time and time again I hear my friends assure me that they are there for me - and I honestly am thankful for that, I truly am. But, in reality I'm not sure anyone can really understand this, unless they have been in a relationship for as long as I have been and have had this sort of thing happen to them. That isn't to say that I am not grateful for the support, I am - even from his parents - whom I secretly think love me more than I know.

I'm not sure why I wrote this - I think I shall regret this tomorrow and the next day, but I had to get it off my chest without saying the words outloud - if that makes any sense at all.

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